i lost my sense of self when i had my hips replaced

I had wrote this down on a post card and was going to mail it to post secret, but then i remembered I had this blog and maybe someone else can relate

"i lost my sense of self when i had my hips replaced"

I had my whole identity built around my arthritis, my pain and my failing hips for years. As i found myself more and more unable to participate in events people my age attended I withdrew into myself and became depressed. I started trying to make friends that I could keep up with and that usually meant groups of people much older than myself.

Now I find myself struggling to relate to these older groups I've become integrated in because my pain and fatigue levels, while far from ordinary for a 31 year old are  miles better than they used to be. I miss young people! I miss their zest for life!

Something I never thought I'd struggle with is the reduced chronic pain level. I had become so accustomed to such a high amount of pain, that now that I don't have it, I feel other pains more severely. Does that make any sense? I'd built routines around the pain, and I don't know what to do now that  don't have that specific pain. Like, I used to lay down just about every after from 2:30-4 with a heatpad on  my hips and read or nap. Now I find myself not needing to do that, but still wanting to lay down and read with the heat pad.

There's a disconnect between my new abilities in my legs, and what feels like continually decreasing mobility in my hands, elbows and shoulders. and neck. It honestly feels like there's new solid frame in the middle of my body. And like my upper body feels all new support on it, and my lower body feels relief.

I find I'm really struggling with depression again. I'm on a wait list to see a therapist. I don't whether this lost sense of self is from depression, or the depression is from it, or if it's all just related back to idk. Like some sort of self-feeding loop.

I feel like since I've had my hip replacements, I've been given a whole new chance, a new shot at life, but I don't know what I want to do with it. I don't know who I am.

Before and After

My hips pre-replacment

My left hip post replacement on March 05, 2019. Taken April 17, 2019

My right hip post replacement on May 07, 2019. Taken on June 26, 2019.

Walking Update Videos

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Walking unaided; I still have walking issues and prefer to use my cane, but I can do short jaunts unaided which is more than I can say about before my replacement. I talked to my physio clinic yesterday and they did a walking assessment and said that my issues come from my lumbar region being very stiff and are going to start to work on loosening it up. #hipreplacement #hipreplacementrecovery #walking #everystepcounts #2hips2bfit #arthritis #osteoarthritis #coxavara

A post shared by Trenna Schram (@trenna.so.hip) on Jun 22, 2019 at 8:07am PDT

Walking Assessment

I asked at physio today if I could get my walking looked at because something felt wrong. Like it felt like my torso and ribs were moving when I walked. After I described the feeling the clinic had the head physiotherapist look at me instead of just the physio assistant who monitors me.

It took like an extra twenty minutes at the end of the my appointment but I think it's going to be worth it. 

It turns out that the big issue with my walking is in my lower lumbar region. He said it's all stiff and tight and pinching nerves from the years of correcting for my hips before. He said that it doesn't move well it's forcing all of my movement to come from my hips instead of flowing naturally through my body. Without asking me about pain he identified exactly where my back is always hurting and described the nerve pain I've been getting.

So starting next week, the head physio is going to work with me on my back doing some chiropractic adjustment (he trained as a chiropractor and physiotherapist) to help loosen up my low back.

A bit of physio

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Some more physio work. #hipreplacement #hipreplacementrecovery

A post shared by Trenna Schram (@trenna.so.hip) on Jun 21, 2019 at 11:49am PDT

Recovery Blues

I think I've hit the recovery blues period. I feel like I'm not making enough progress, even though I know I'm making similar progress to my left hip. I went down to my cane on the weekend, and have been practicing stepping up with my right leg. Even if I'm not climbing with it forward yet. In physio I'm still taking things easy, as are they. Without the goal of the second hip coming shortly after starting physio, it feels like we're taking things slower this time too. 

I didn't need a nap today for once! My night sleep is still messy, but I've accepted that it's gonna be shofted towards a late schedule with a nap instead of an early one without a nap.

Laughs With Mom

I laughed with my mom this week that she's gonna be an orthopedic care taking specialist by the end of this year because my dad booked his knee replacements for July and November earlier this week.