i lost my sense of self when i had my hips replaced

I had wrote this down on a post card and was going to mail it to post secret, but then i remembered I had this blog and maybe someone else can relate

"i lost my sense of self when i had my hips replaced"

I had my whole identity built around my arthritis, my pain and my failing hips for years. As i found myself more and more unable to participate in events people my age attended I withdrew into myself and became depressed. I started trying to make friends that I could keep up with and that usually meant groups of people much older than myself.

Now I find myself struggling to relate to these older groups I've become integrated in because my pain and fatigue levels, while far from ordinary for a 31 year old are  miles better than they used to be. I miss young people! I miss their zest for life!

Something I never thought I'd struggle with is the reduced chronic pain level. I had become so accustomed to such a high amount of pain, that now that I don't have it, I feel other pains more severely. Does that make any sense? I'd built routines around the pain, and I don't know what to do now that  don't have that specific pain. Like, I used to lay down just about every after from 2:30-4 with a heatpad on  my hips and read or nap. Now I find myself not needing to do that, but still wanting to lay down and read with the heat pad.

There's a disconnect between my new abilities in my legs, and what feels like continually decreasing mobility in my hands, elbows and shoulders. and neck. It honestly feels like there's new solid frame in the middle of my body. And like my upper body feels all new support on it, and my lower body feels relief.

I find I'm really struggling with depression again. I'm on a wait list to see a therapist. I don't whether this lost sense of self is from depression, or the depression is from it, or if it's all just related back to idk. Like some sort of self-feeding loop.

I feel like since I've had my hip replacements, I've been given a whole new chance, a new shot at life, but I don't know what I want to do with it. I don't know who I am.

Before and After

My hips pre-replacment

My left hip post replacement on March 05, 2019. Taken April 17, 2019

My right hip post replacement on May 07, 2019. Taken on June 26, 2019.

Disappointment

I booked my hip replacements back in April of 2018. I knew as elective surgery, that there was a high chance of the surgery getting bumped or cancelled. Especially since my left hip replacement was booked during flu season, but flu season has been mild, and the hospital wasn't running over capacity for once.

As Tuesday, Feb 5 got closer and closer, I got more anxious. I had everything I needed, my parents had come up from their small town to Windsor Monday morning- they had pet sitting arrangements made and everything.

At just after noon, I saw my orthopedic surgeon's office number show up on my phone and knew as I answered that my hip replacement for the next day was getting cancelled and they didn't have new dates for me at the time either.. I was angry, I was sad, and miserable, I felt betrayed by the health care system because I've been fighting it my entire life.

On Wednesday, my surgeon's office called me back with new surgery dates, and the hospital called me with a new pre-op date. I feel relieved that they're not too far out, and maybe a little better season ways for the weather.